Life bites...Hard!!!

So I feel like a baby always crying on here about stuff, but i don't seem to have any other place. I feel like I am always trying to play catch up. I don't like feeling like I know where things are going and all of a sudden my whole world gets flipped upside down. It makes me physically sick every time. I lose weight that I can't afford to lose and I get tired and crabby with my son. He asked me for a daddy the other day, I wish I could give him one a good one that loves us both. Every time I think I have found that person they find someone that they like better and they leave us. I don't let him meet even my guy friends anymore because he gets so attached to them and then always asks if we can see them. I don't know what I am supposed to do, he is 4 he deserves the best and I would love to give him a father that will love him like his own and protect him and teach him about being a man. I know all good things in time, but he asked for a daddy, it really breaks my heart. I try to be a strong parent for him, I try to give him the guidance and protection that he needs, but as a woman I can only give him so much, there is something that a male can provide that I just don't have. There is a bond that is missing for him. He bonds with my dad really well, but it is different. I hate being a single mom, it is so hard. I don't know what I am doing or what I am supposed to do! I just want to give him a good life and a solid foundation to stand on when he gets older. I want him to be able to know what true love is and to be able to trust people, but that is something I cannot teach him, because I don't have a true love outside of him and I do not trust people because I keep getting hurt. The world is such a mean place and it seems like all the good guys are taken or occupied with something else. i feel like I am lost and wandering. I don't know where to go or what to do. I know that I do not want to be where I am. I feel trapped here and suffocated. I attract the wrong kind of people, which is weird to be because the last one was someone I have known for years and I was very excited that he came back into my life. I was just happy to have my friend back and then things sort of went past friends and I was elated because I have always had feelings for him, but he always had someone else on his arm so to speak. We really hit it off and then he just turned it off. He doesn't talk to me any more like at all. It hurts so bad, if nothing else I want to at least back up so I don't lose my friend again. I just got him back. This hurts....

Time for Change

Now is the time of year that change is needed. I am going to make a change this year for the better. I have a gym membership that I am going to use a lot more, I am going to start preparing my meals for the week on Sunday so they are as ready as possible for the rest of the week and make it easier to eat healthy. I am also going to start journaling so that I can relase my thoughts and get rid of the negativity so that it is not following me throughout the day. That is what I am going to do and I am going to commit to this because change is good and it is time for a change!