Life bites...Hard!!!

So I feel like a baby always crying on here about stuff, but i don't seem to have any other place. I feel like I am always trying to play catch up. I don't like feeling like I know where things are going and all of a sudden my whole world gets flipped upside down. It makes me physically sick every time. I lose weight that I can't afford to lose and I get tired and crabby with my son. He asked me for a daddy the other day, I wish I could give him one a good one that loves us both. Every time I think I have found that person they find someone that they like better and they leave us. I don't let him meet even my guy friends anymore because he gets so attached to them and then always asks if we can see them. I don't know what I am supposed to do, he is 4 he deserves the best and I would love to give him a father that will love him like his own and protect him and teach him about being a man. I know all good things in time, but he asked for a daddy, it really breaks my heart. I try to be a strong parent for him, I try to give him the guidance and protection that he needs, but as a woman I can only give him so much, there is something that a male can provide that I just don't have. There is a bond that is missing for him. He bonds with my dad really well, but it is different. I hate being a single mom, it is so hard. I don't know what I am doing or what I am supposed to do! I just want to give him a good life and a solid foundation to stand on when he gets older. I want him to be able to know what true love is and to be able to trust people, but that is something I cannot teach him, because I don't have a true love outside of him and I do not trust people because I keep getting hurt. The world is such a mean place and it seems like all the good guys are taken or occupied with something else. i feel like I am lost and wandering. I don't know where to go or what to do. I know that I do not want to be where I am. I feel trapped here and suffocated. I attract the wrong kind of people, which is weird to be because the last one was someone I have known for years and I was very excited that he came back into my life. I was just happy to have my friend back and then things sort of went past friends and I was elated because I have always had feelings for him, but he always had someone else on his arm so to speak. We really hit it off and then he just turned it off. He doesn't talk to me any more like at all. It hurts so bad, if nothing else I want to at least back up so I don't lose my friend again. I just got him back. This hurts....

Time for Change

Now is the time of year that change is needed. I am going to make a change this year for the better. I have a gym membership that I am going to use a lot more, I am going to start preparing my meals for the week on Sunday so they are as ready as possible for the rest of the week and make it easier to eat healthy. I am also going to start journaling so that I can relase my thoughts and get rid of the negativity so that it is not following me throughout the day. That is what I am going to do and I am going to commit to this because change is good and it is time for a change!

I just don't understand

I have been trying very hard to keep a positive outlook on life. To keep my spirits up and practice lovingkindness toward others. I have been trying to help others when they are down on their luck and show true care and compassion. I also work hard to learn more of the Bible and of God so I have a better understanding but life just seems to be getting harder. My son had a huge fever yesterday, I am very grateful that is broke and he is fine, but it still takes a lot out of ya. I also just learned that the man I was in love with and just can't seem to get over is already living with his new girlfriend, something that he would not do with me even though we had been dating for over a year and he has only been with her for about 4 months. I am stuck, I am in a low dark place and no matter how much I try to be a better person that does not care about those kinds of things I get slapped in the face with them. I am not trying to bitch, I am just trying to understand where I am going wrong. I want to be happy, I am doing things that are supposed to make life easier and happy, yet I just seem to get barried deeper and deeper in a darker hole that will not let me breath. I am sufficating in the place. I need to breath, I need light, I need to be happy, I need help... I am dying.

This is the End... of class

I learned so much in this class it is crazy. When working on my projects I could feel myself growing and getting better. I believe my ratings in general stayed about the same, but that was because I did not realize when we first started how out of shape I was mentally and spiriually. This class has helped me strengthen those areas greatly! My goals to get better at meditation have been met, I still have a lot of work to do, but being able to understand and actually feel the effects of meditation was something I had never experienced before. I feel this class has really opened my eyes to a whole new area of growth and I look forward to my journey of holistic health.

My Plan

My Plan
Introduction
It is so important for all health professionals to be developed in the three domains of psychological, spiritual, and physical health. First of all I believe that you have to practice what you preach to be legit so it is important to do what you are recommending. Being underdeveloped in these areas also affects your own health and if you are not healthy how will you get others to listen to you. I personally still need to work on my psychological health, I let my emotions get the best of me and when things get dark I do not want to feel better, I tend to get stuck in that mind set. I need to focus on positive energy and controlling mental chatter.
Assessment
At this very moment in time, I would rate my overall health as 7.33 out of 10, when I break it down into the three categories I would rate myself a 7 out of 10 on Spiritual, because I get lost a lot and seem to stray from the truth and need a reminder. I would give my psychological health a 6 out of 10, my stress level is often high and I am very negative, that is what seems natural for me, yet I put on an optimistic front around everyone, so I have a cover up, there is definitely need for growth there, and as I develop my spiritual health that helps, the more I work on my physical health, that also helps my psychological health. My physical health I would give a 9, I could eat better and I let my workout take the back burner often when I am low on time, I am a personal trainer though, and that is my happy place, in the gym working out.
Goal Development
I have a lot of goals for my health. For my spiritual health I want to get more involved in my church and read the Bible cover to cover. I also want to work on practicing prayer both to relieve my problems and to be thankful, I would like to be active in more thankful prayer than “needy” prayer. For my psychological health I really need to work on controlling my mental chatter, I am going to start meditating with a goal of getting in one good session at least once a week and within the next 6 months I want to be meditating for at least 15 minutes every day. As for my goals for my physical development, I am going to get into a regular workout routine by the end of this month, August 2010. I am also going to get cleaner in my eating habits by the end of this month. I have a long term goal of competing in my first figure competition by March of 2011 and be in great shape for the Arnold Classic next year!
Practices for Personal Health
For my spiritual health, I am going to schedule 15-30 minutes to dedicate to devotions each day and plan on attending extra church events each month. I am also going to volunteer at least once a month for a good cause. To work on my psychological health I am going to do visual meditation daily and work very hard on keeping the negative thoughts out of my mind. I also like doing breathing exercises so I can clear my mental chatter and be able to witness my thoughts instead of dwell on them. For my physical health I am going to work out 6 days of the week for a max of one hour weight training and 20-30 minutes cardio, I do less cardio than most because of my high metabolism and my struggle to keep weight on right now. I will also start scheduling my meals and planning them out for the week so I know what is on the menu and I can prepare the food on Sundays. I also want to meet specific weight goals as I go so that I know I am making progress in that aspect. My end goal in body weight is to be 135 pounds, I am currently at 115 pounds I want to keep my body fat about the same as I go up in weight as well though, which my current is around 11 percent body fat. For all of my goals I am going to have visible reminders up around the house, I am also going to try and get a support team set up and have them ask me if I am on track.
Commitment
I am going to write down very specific and time sensitive goals and that is who I will keep track of my progress. I will aim to exceed each goal to make sure that I go above and beyond the goals I had. I love setting goals, so it will be easy for me to keep goals moving me forward. I also plan to share my goals so that others keep me on track, I do not like being asked if I am succeeding and having to say no, I have been slacking or lacking progress. I am very intrinsically motivated so that works very well to my advantage.

In My Life

I love the loving kindness practice, at first this one was one of the practices that I had the hardest time with and now as I am at work, I stock shelves on overnights at Wal-Mart, I will focus on sending loving kindness to my friends and family or those I know are in need of help. It gives me a great feeling as I work on it and the more I do it the quicker I feel that loving feeling within myself which then gets shared with those who are physically around me, it is a great practice that I will keep developing.
Visualization is also something that I love doing. I like to visualize my future goals as being in the present it helps me stay motivated, and as a personal trainer, I can implement this one in my clients workouts. It is a great way to keep motivated and you can do it anywhere as well. I like to combine visualization with meditation for a very indepth and relaxing visualization like going on a journey through the country like I have brought up before.
I love these practices and will always try to keep them as an active practice in my personal and professional life. They are great!
Stay Active, Stay Fit, Have Fun!!! :)
Aly

Meeting Asciepius

I have been rushing through these practices lately, letting my schedule get the best of me. I did deep breathing while frustrated at work the other day, but have not really done a well focused meditation all week. I can feel the tension building up from missing my meditation time. It is amazing how quickly it all comes back and you lose what you have been working toward. Noticing that, that is how this works is somewhat of a motivator in it's self.
The statement "one cannot lead another where one has not gone himself" is much like practice what you preach, you cannot try to get someone to the highest levels of human flourishing if you have not been there yourself. It makes it very hard to direct someone to a place you have never been, it is like giving directions to a tree in the woods that you have never been to, you just can't do it accurately. As a professional you should always be an example of what you teach. I am a personal trainer and I would not expect to get any one to take me seriously if I was overweight and did not exercise myself. It ruins your credibility. I truly believe that everyone should have to opportunity to complete health and wellness and so it would be my responsibility to teach my clients how to achieve that kind of wellness through all aspects of health, psychological, physical, and spiritually. I personally need to take more time to slow down, meditate, and learn more about the scriptures. I am constantly a work in progress.

Loving Kindness and Assessment Exercises

I do not know if I got all that I could have out of these exercises this time. I feel a little flustered and rushed after having technical difficulties this week. I like the idea of having something to think when working on loving kindness, I will try to remember those 4 lines so I can do that whenever I want to spread the joy, I like doing that at work. The assessment was interesting, I really do need to work on controling my stress and what I let stress me. When I start to feel behind on things I let it all pile up and I get really stressed out which leads to my being crabby and tired and after that it all leads to affecting my health. I need to work on the mind on the emotional line in the psychospiritual area. What is also frusterating is that I know I need to work on this, but at the same time I do well sometimes, but going back to that "dark" area is like my comfort zone, yet it is distructive. I know I need to make my life slow down, I try to plan ahead, yet be flexible when things do not workout. That is what I need to workout.

Classes- Is anyone else having problems?

I do not know how else to let people know, i cannot get into the kaplan website. It will not let me even get to the classroom page with my e-mail. I have tried contacting the tech service and I have e-mailed my academic adviser, but I still have not gotten anywhere. I have not been able to get in since last Friday! :( I am a little stressed about it and I have done everything I can think of, but nothing is happening because people are not getting back to me. Is anyone else having problems?

Breathing Meditation (guided for beginners)

Poem- Mind Weeds

My mind wonders to and fro,
It never knows which way to go.
It's hard to focus, hard to stop,
it seems, mind weeds are my crop.
They start small, but set their roots,
and all my plans go kaputs.
I want my mind to be calm,
and so I get mental weed balm.
When I feel them set in,
I search deep within.
I tear them out and stop them quick,
before they start to make me sick.

SuBtLe MiNd

When doing the subtle mind exercise I found it much easier to keep my focus, since I was instructed to focus on my breathing when I would get off track. I actually found that very helpful even compared to all the other exercises because I always have a tendency to get off track and so then I need to find a way to refocus. With the subtle mind exercise being told to focus on the breath was very helpful. I do not know that I have ever felt such stillness, with no thoughts. At first it was like my mind thought it was missing something so I got hit with a ton of thoughts to try and fill the emptiness. Then it was nice to feel the calm take over and be able to go longer without thoughts popping up. I had a hard time with the loving kindness because I was distracted trying to focus on groups of people, but I found little distraction in this exercise of the subtle mind.
I can see how this would be a great practice because if you can master the calmness you will be able to control your stress and that will effect both mental and physical health. I am very excited to try and implement this exercise into my life. For me when I am in-tune with my spiritual wellness I can feel the calm and reassurance in my mind, and I my body feels energized and renewed. I feel this the most after in nature by myself and after church. I am now hoping to find a way to carry it within me and keep it longer. :)

Loving-Kindness

I found this exercise to be more difficult han that last. I tried to do it after work this morning, and before my son got up for the day. He got up about half way through it, and I was having a bit of mental chatter from the day, I would also find my mind wandering when thinking about the groups of people we were supposed to think about. Instead of fully focusing on loving-kindness and healing I would be thinking about the person, or people and would try to refocus. It will definitely take practice to get this exercise down, now I see why he has us focus on this for a week instead of reading. Getting the mind to focus and stay focused and to be able to maintain such focus is a mental workout. I can see it being very beneficial when controlling your emotions. For me fighting my negative thoughts would be much easier with a well trained mind. I will continue to do mental workouts. I also think it would help with things like memory because you would be able to concentrate your focus much better and more deliberately. Right now the exercise felt a little long and tedious but I will continue to practice, because I want a well trained mind, and I want that to lead to psychospiritual growth.

Doctor am I well?

When I think about my well being, I do often tend to think about my physical health, sometimes that includes my mental health because I know that stress creates physical illness, but then what I think is sort of interesting is that I go to my spiritual side to find healing. It was not until just recently that I started to try and work on my spiritual health, and in doing so I have found that I have become both physically and mentally healthier, as long as I can keep them all in check.
As for rating each area I would say my physical health right now is a 8, I am physically fit, could stand to gain a couple pounds and have allergies. As for my spiritual health, I would say I am at a 4, I get wrapped up in life and let it take me away, I often lose my balance on this side and let it lose connection, I am working on it though. My mental health is the one that confuses even me, most days I feel pretty stable but I have a very up and down thing going on. I can be doing perfectly fine, and then my mental chatter really kicks into high gear and I talk myself into a dark spot, which I then find very hard to get out of. I guess for my psychological health I would give myself a 6. I don't feel like a crazy person though :P.
My goal for my physical health is to get back to a healthy weight of 135, I am currently at around 118. My goal for my spiritual health is to fully dive into reading the scripture in the Bible and not just read the words, I want to develop a better understanding of the Word. For my psychological health, I need to stop letting my mental chatter take over my feelings, my goal for this on is much shorter, I will focus on just the rest of this week, I want to make a conscious effort to get rid of every negative thought that comes to my mind, this week and speak no negativity at all. I might have to write that on my hand to help me remember.
To achieve these goals, I am going to set up a meal program for this week, and try to make sure I keep up with it. I am going to schedule a time for reading the scriptures, and I am going to post positive thought and reminders all around me, as well as schedule time for meditation and journaling to dispel negative thoughts.
The exercise for this week, I found interesting, as I was doing it I did not feel as relaxed as last week, although the imagery that I was getting impressed me, I did not realize I could imagine things so well, it was like a journey, it was fun. Although while doing the exercise I did not feel as relaxed I realized that I was very relaxed once I had to start moving, my limbs felt heavy at first and my eyes did not want to open. I really enjoy these activities.
Until next time: Stay Active, Stay Fit, Have Fun!!!

Experience Relaxation

I loved the experience of the Journey to Relaxation. I am a very busy, busy on the go person and it was hard at first to not open my eyes and look at the clock to see how much time had passed. But once I really got into it, I love it. I will try to use this method of thinking about moving the blood from my abdominal area out to my extremities to relax the muscles and give myself a relaxed feel and re-energize.
As I stated before I have a hard time finding time to sit down and relax, but the combination of being given something to do and the music in the background made it easier for me to clear my mind. I like this method very much and I look forward to learning more ways to relax and keep my body healthy.

Health Advice from Walmart

I find this so interesting I just have to share it. I work overnights at walmart and it is amazing to me the remedies you hear when someone starts to get sick. The most reliable one I have heard is supplementing echinacea into your diet, but the one that I am not sure that I will ever try is gurgling with peroxide 3 times a day. I have started taking echinacea and I have been feeling much better and am getting energy back to work the overnight shift. I would love to hear who else has picked up useful advice from your workplace, what it is and where your heard it!